Am I Crazy?

I sit here infected with hepatitis-C.... just sitting and waiting... as the poison they call treatment once again rushes through my body. The deep searching of the soul begins.... and all I can think is.... am I crazy? Am I crazy to believe that I can turn this poison into a spiritual awakening? Am I crazy to believe that I have an inner soul that wants to guide me through this? Am I crazy to believe that this virus could lead to something good.... not the just the dismal existence it offers now?

Am I crazy?

Or is it the meds that are causing all these insights and memories? Is all of the profound thinking caused by this poison... is that what is creating all of the things that weigh on my mind... just folly and a fleeting hope at a future?

Is it just the meds?

Do I listen to all the helpful professionals who have dedicated their lives to learn all that they know? Do I listen to the ones who believe me crazy, or mark it up to a bad med trip? The ones who ask if I'm depressed, or it I drink or do drugs... trying to put a label on my faith.

Or do I truly continue to believe.... to have total faith in the inner voice that guides me? Do I continue to show blind faith in the Devine and not worry about what to call this faith?

Am I crazy?

I don't think so. I don't believe that the same Devine guidance that was there for me when I was only five can no longer guide me through life. I do not believe that I even have the right to question Devine will. Who am I to say that the Devine did not know that it would take this type of wake-up call for me to earnestly seek the answers... and listen? Who am I to question the same God who has continued to be there whenever I needed him? And more over, if I have no right to question it... how could anyone else have the right to question my destiny?

So I'll just risk being called crazy, or being told it's just the meds.... I know that I am following the path that is before me... and I will walk that path with my heart, mind and eyes wide open. Only looking back to learn from the past... not yearning to relive or change or dwell on any sorrows for too long. I will spend the profound moments to meditate and seek the guidance and happiness.

And I will wait for whatever the future holds for me... I will face that future with as much grace and inner light as I can connect with. I will continue to pray that those who doubt my fait will open their minds and heart and just see faith without labels.

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Oh well.... just another profound Friday thought...LOL

Big Hugs,
Tonya

PS - I just got back the fourth week of treatment lab results... viral load is down to only 2340 and the liver function tests all came back perfectly normal... So hold onto faith and a smile.... it's all we have sometimes... Keep smiling!