Passin Gas

topic posted Tue, June 20, 2006 - 4:26 AM by  Cosmic Love
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Been a little short on yuk yuks lately. Well have to get that clown off her keister.

www.mydailyfunnies.com/funnie...eep.mpg

www.mydailyfunnies.com/funnie...by.mpeg
posted by:
Cosmic Love
Illinois
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  • Re: Passin Gas

    Tue, June 20, 2006 - 8:17 AM
    One day a hunter was walking through the woods and spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear. So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear, saving the Indian Chief's life.

    The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him one heck of a bash for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness. They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."

    With this, the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens. They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them. The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.

    ''Why don't any of his maidens have nipples on their breasts?''

    ''What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?''
    • Re: Passin Gas

      Tue, June 20, 2006 - 8:24 AM
      A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."
      The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

      "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

      The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

      The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

      The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

      "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."
      • Re: Passin Gas

        Wed, June 21, 2006 - 9:10 AM
        A guy from work was comtemplating whether he should go into work or not. He has rectal glaucoma & he said:



        I just couldn't see my ass coming into work today!
        • Re: Passin Gas

          Mon, July 17, 2006 - 9:59 AM
          Getting Drunk
          A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

          The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

          "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

          The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

          "Of course," replies the second man.

          I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

          "Dublin," comes the reply.

          "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

          "Of course," replies the second man.

          Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

          "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

          "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

          About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

          "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
          • Re: Larger Breasts Trick

            Mon, July 17, 2006 - 10:09 AM
            A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

            The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

            Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

            “They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

            The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

            The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”
            • Re: Finkers

              Thu, August 10, 2006 - 5:42 AM
              Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

              He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

              Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

              "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

              Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
              • Re: Finkers

                Thu, August 10, 2006 - 2:34 PM
                Loved that one Brock!
                • Children In Church

                  Fri, August 11, 2006 - 7:40 AM
                  3-year-old Reese:

                  "Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

                  Harold is His name.

                  Amen."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  A little boy was overheard praying:

                  "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

                  I'm having a real good time like I am."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  After the christening of his baby brother in church,

                  Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

                  His father asked him three times what was wrong.

                  Finally, the boy replied,

                  "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

                  and I wanted to stay with you guys."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,

                  the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.

                  She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

                  Finally, she decided to go solo.

                  I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,

                  right up to the end of the prayer:

                  "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,

                  "but deliver us from E-mail.

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  One particular four-year-old prayed,

                  "And forgive us our trash baskets

                  as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

                  were on the way to church service,

                  "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

                  One bright little girl replied,

                  "Because people are sleeping."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old

                  brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.

                  Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

                  Finally, his big sister had had enough.

                  "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

                  "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

                  Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

                  "See those two men standing by the door?

                  They're hushers."

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

                  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

                  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

                  "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

                  'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

                  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

                  "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  A father was at the beach with his children

                  when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

                  grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

                  where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

                  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

                  "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

                  The boy thought a moment and then said,

                  "Did God throw him back down?"

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  A wife invited some people to dinner.

                  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

                  "Would you like to say the blessing?"

                  "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

                  "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

                  The daughter bowed her head and said,

                  "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.

                    A Real Bad Joke

                    Sun, August 20, 2006 - 9:11 AM
                    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

                    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

                    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

                    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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